- My heart sank every time you laughed off my dreams
- And I kept thinking it’s not as bad as it seems
- Holding onto the nice things you said in between
- Coz you didn’t mean to be mean
- No you didn’t mean to be mean
- You said “stand by”
- And I stood by
- And now a whole year has gone by
- And I’m lying here wondering why
- While I was setting you free
- You were holding me back all along
- You have all the right powers and energy
- You’re just using it wrong
- But I only have myself to blame
- For answering every time you called my name
- Coz I knew
- Yes I knew
- And I’m left with all of this pain I’m not entitled to
- Coz you had me
- But I never had you
- You tied me up
- Oh yeah you tied me up
- In your fantasy
- Of me belonging to you but you never belonging to me
- Of me owing everything to you but you never owing anything to me
- And you kept me there
- Playing with my hair
- Entangling my heart
- With your fingers
- Tasting a connection that lingers
- Demanding devotion you would never return
- It’s my fault for giving you things you didn’t earn
- My fault for thinking people can grow and learn
- Not allowed to confess, not allowed to complain
- Not allowed to simply ask and obtain
- Gagged by my own damn pride in pain
- How could I ever explain without looking insane
- Yeah I only have myself to blame
- For ignoring the warnings and keep on going the same
- Coz I knew
- Yes I knew
- You fought for control
- Kept me playing the role you designed that I never consented to
- Coz you had me
- But I never had you
- Suffocated wishes, intoxicated kisses
- Promises that were never spoken
- So how can I justify my heart being broken
- Kept all of your options open
- In your fabricated reality
- Carelessly setting on fire my insecurity
- I came to fight your demons with you and you let them beat me down
- Reducing me to non-existence when you had someone else around
- Never gave me any solid ground
- Telling me how special and important I am to you, then putting me last in line
- Unstable, uncertain
- Treating me like a threat and a burden
- Half the time
- Feeling used, I’m confused about how I’m supposed to feel
- Coming to realize how none of this was real
- Coz someone who cares would fight the world for me to show me how much I mean
- Instead of fighting me
- Trying to force me to accept this deal
- Damaging to my trust and my self-esteem
- Not allowed to love, not allowed to leave
- Not allowed to be safe, not allowed to be seen
- Not allowed to want, not allowed to need
- Not allowed to decide, not allowed to lead
- Not allowed to proudly stand by my man
- Like the fucking warrior ally queen
- That I am
- Yet I only have myself to blame
- Coz every time you opened your arms and heart I melted and came
- Nothing changed
- No nothing changed
- And I’m left enraged, tortured by some crazy hope I wasn’t entitled to
- Coz you had me
- But I never had you
- You got what you wanted, took me for granted
- Reaped and kept all the benefits from the seeds we had planted
- Coz unless you’re the one losing something, everything’s fine
- Coz your timeline and dreams are more precious than mine
- Not allowed to scream, not allowed to cry
- Not allowed to express how I truly feel inside
- Salting my wound by being denied
- Coz I’m your dirty secret that we have to hide
- Yeah I’m dirty
- So fucking dirty now
- Covered in your shame
- But I only have myself to blame
- For putting my own damn skin in your skinless game
- Coz I knew
- Yes I knew
- I’m disgusted with what I became
- Trying to contain all these stupid tears I’m not entitled to
- Coz you had me
- But I
- Never
- Had you
